Will The Real Tom Cruise Please Stand Up

Tom Cruise is either a misguided soul, a sucker or an absolute fucking loony. I vote nuttier than a nutty nut bar in a nut factory on extra nut day. I say he fell out of the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down. I say he’s gotten one too many beatings with the crazy stick.
In the year plus since his firing of Hollywood PR doyenne Pat Kingsley and the hiring of his sister as Kingsley’s replacement, it has become clear (sometimes painfully, sometimes laughingly) to people besides those who know what publicists really do for celebrities that Kingsley did far more than schedule his interviews and photo shoots.

She kept his brain from running his mouth and refused to allow the press to question him about the cult Church of Scientology. In the past few months, Cruise seems to have come completely unhinged. In early April it apparently took 16 days from the time he met Katie Holmes to when she became the “love of his life.” Then, of course, came the Oprah Dance of Joy. What are they thinking? No matter how you slice it, this is crazy.
Just for a second, let’s all pretend this is real. Did no one in the Cruise/Holmes camp take a step back and say: “NO ONE will believe this and we’re going to be dodging accusations daily until Xenu comes home?” Apparently not. Pat Kingsley would have. Tom would have started “dating” Katie in April, gone public in May and gotten engaged sometime in early 2006. I can hear Kingsley now: “…and no fucking hopping around on chairs like an organ grinder’s monkey, you fucking maniac!” Oh wait, that was me, not Kingsley.
Ok, back to reality…Who in their right mind (there I go, assuming sanity, again) would expect anyone except the most simple-minded, celebrity-sodden, mass of non-thinkers would believe this farce? Oh…right. America. However, if there’s one thing you don’t fuck with in America it’s our physician-given right to psycho-pharmaceuticals! That’s right, buddy! You can obfuscate crimes by the US government on a level that makes Watergate look like jaywalking, you can sell us a war based on a lie and we’ll sit around doing nothing for two years. You can even steal two elections in a row but keep your creepy hands off my Prozac, Wellbutrin and Ritalin, motherfucker!
Tom Cruise has finally, I believe, crossed the line. The masses will buy his travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham loving relationship with Katie Holmes and may even forgive his devotion to a “religion,” but while we are no doubt an overmedicated society, that’s a hell of a lot better than a non-medicated society.
Let’s try an experiment. I say we rub Cruise down with a nice streptococcus cream and put him in a room with a rabid, syphilitic monkey, an exercise bike, a home colonic kit and and all the fucking vitamins he wants and see how long he can go without begging for antibiotics.
Of course, even though Cruise is astonishingly famous and can spread his pseudo-scientific horseshit to the masses on an hourly basis, there are more important things affecting our planet. There’s a war in the Middle East that we started using fictitious reasons, corporate criminals and Christian fundamentalists are running our government and there’s a wealthy, white teenager missing in Aruba. BTW, according to the U.S. Department of Justice’s Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention and the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, 262,100 children were abducted in 1999 and approximately 797,500 were reported missing. Not all of them were white and pretty.

Related blogposts:
Cruise UnControllable
OK, Tom Cruise is Insane
No, I’m not a psychiatrist, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night….

2 thoughts on “Will The Real Tom Cruise Please Stand Up”

  1. Great post Rabbi! The irony here is that Cruise seems like he needs a good dose of Ritalin. Whatever they are paying Katie Holmes to go through with this, it isn’t enough.
    As for his acting, Tommy always looks like he could drop and do 100 push-ups at any given moment in any given film (including BORN OF THE FOURTH OF JULY). The mania one could read in those eyes when watching his performances is spilling out into real life.
    What a meltdown?

  2. Oh, man, Rabbi! You nailed it!
    Who is this whacko criticizing science and medicine and Brooke Shiled’s medication?
    Cruise is a marginal talent with white looks (not even good white looks) who has joined a Hollywood cult that employs a huge number of people in the entertainment industry.
    Cruise shuold not be stopped. He should continue whis whacky journey and purchase his own little Neverland where white-looking rich people can all come off their psych drugs and blame the rest of the world for their whackiness.
    I’ve always hated Tom Cruise and wish nothing but the worst for him.
    (That poor girl!)

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