Category Archives: Rants

In The “Where Did You Go To School?” Department

In a Washingtonpost.com story dated Friday, March 18, 2005, about rapper Lil’ Kim’s clothing choices during her trial, Post staffer Robin Givhan writes the following:
“The jury found her guilty of perjury and conspiracy, and the Associated Press reported that she could face a penalty of as much as 20 years in the joint at her June 24 sentencing. Her assistant Monique Dopwell was also convicted.”
Excuse me? The joint? The JOINT!!?? When did “The Joint” become AP/NYT/Washington Post style guide synonymous with Federal Prison? I did a Google search on “Lil’ Kim”, joint. Care to guess on what other publications came up? The New York Times? No. Christian Science Monitor? Nope. Not one other publication with a story about the conviction turned up. Now, when I replaced “joint” with “prison”….Newsday, NYT, Boston Globe, Reuters, AP, etc.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Ms. Givhan is the Post’s style editor. Why is this important? Well, it’s not, but I have another post about Ms. Givhan’s, uh, journalism, later today. I’m too damn tired, now.

Reason 4,588 Why The US Empire Is Falling

According to cnn.com:
“Almost three-quarters of Americans surveyed in a poll released Thursday have prayed for victims of the southern Asia tsunamis, but when it comes to cash donations, only 45 percent have pulled out their wallets.”
Are you fucking kidding me? Praying?
Fuck you and open up your wallets you cheap, hypocritical bastards! So, what? Now it’s “The meek shall inherit the earth…well, all the meek that don’t die of cholera, dysentery and malaria!!!???” Have you amended that passage to say “the white, Christian meek?”
Heartless pricks. Ask yourselves, what would Jesus do (if he had a few extra bucks lying around)? Buy a pack of smokes and a quart of ham salad? I don’t think so.
Feh. I’m going to make a vodka tonic and spend the next hour being as un-fundamentalist Christian as I can.
Fuck you and all your “bible-thumping, self-righteous, fag-hating, art-loathing, book-burning, red state living, pee fetish porn-surfing when you’re alone and your over-medicated wife is passed out and your closeted son is in his room spanking to Charles Atlas and your pregnant daughter is having a breakdown because she’s afraid you’ll send her to unwed mother camp” faux Christian friends, too!
What would Jesus do? If he saw you, he’d build his own crucifix, grab the hammer and railroad spikes and display himself on the fucking White House lawn with a sign around his neck reading: “Fuck you. I’m not coming back until you people start behaving like you know what morals and ethics are.”
George W. Bush and the rest of his fundamentalist Christian goon squad are Christians like Ashley Simpson is a singer.

I’m As Mad As Hell…

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In the latest USA Today/Gallup poll (1,004 National Adults, aged 18+, conducted August 23-25, 2004) Bush beats Kerry 51-43 in the question of “Who do you trust more to handle the responsibilities of commander-in-chief of the military.” In the same poll…in the same poll, 44% think that Bush was either probably or definitely lying about his experience in the National Guard and 50% think he was either very or somewhat responsible for the fraudulent Swift Boat Veterans ads.
Ok…let me get this straight. 51% think Bush is better to lead the military, while 44% think he probably lied about his (lack of) military service and 50% think he’s at least partially behind bogus ads attacking a war hero’s record. Now, I’m no expert in polling but what I do remember from my Campaigns & Elections class in college is that these numbers simply are not the product of rational thinking. Not that I am surprised.
Basically, America had fully adopted what I am calling the Ruthless Bastard principle. That is to say, things are so tough out there in the world that only complete ruthless bastards are effective leaders and it doesn’t matter if they are lying, draft-dodging, blue-blooded, couldn’t-tell-an-M16-rifle-from-the M16-crosstown-bus-frat-boys.
(In total fairness, I would have dodged the draft too, but I would have shouted it from the rooftops. Rooftops in Canada, but still…)
Basically, you can defraud hard working men and women out of $20 billion but the sheep that make up the majority of Americans* think that’s ok because it’s business and, uh, business is a tough…uh…business. Well, that is the most morally bankrupt, un-human way to behave. The Bushes (all of them), Ken Lay, Cheney, John Rigas and his grifter son, Frank Borman and these other spawns of satan couldn’t spell “integrity” with a one-word dictionary. If they ever claimed to be fair and honest people, the universe would create a god just so she could smite these vomitous lice into sulfurous ruin.
It’s enough to make one take to the streets in outrage. Oh wait. That’s what next week is for. Unfortunately, I won’t be there, but I will be there in spirit and in the immortal words of Howard Beale (by way of Paddy Chayefsky):
“I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell – ‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad!… You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Then we’ll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis**. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!'”
*I am not, by the way claiming Americans by and large are stupid, just that they don’t give a fuck. Which I guess might be considered stupid. Never mind.
**When you do this at home, feel free to insert ‘pointless war’ in place of oil crisis, although the war will likely lead to one.