How Do I Love Thee Natalie, Let Me Count The Ways!

I assume most of you have seen this by now, but it bears linkage. I mean, this is some funny ass shit and I can’t stop watching it. Click on the picture of the pixie-haired star of my favorite movie of 2006 to date. Every time I see this I am gobsmacked…and pray that even 10% of this is true!
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The lyrics are after the jump (like you can’t tell what she’s saying)….


Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.
Natalie Portman: Hello.
Parnell: So, Natalie, what’s the day in life of Natalie Portman like?
Portman: Do you really want to know?
Parnell: Please, tell us.
Portman:
I don’t sleep mother fucker
off that ‘gnac and that bourbon
doin’ 120 gettin high while I’m swervin’
Seth Meyers:
Damn natalie you a crazy chick
Portman:
Yo shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I’m bustin dudes’ mouths like gushers motherfucker
roll up on NBC and smack the shit out Jeff Zucker
Guys: What you want Natalie?
Portman: to drink and fight!
Guys: what you need Natalie?
Portman: to fuck all night!
Don’t test me when i’m crazy off that airplane glue
put my foot down your throat
till you shit in my shoe
leave you screaming
pay for my dry cleaning
fuck you man
It’s my name that he’s screamin’
Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Parnell: What about the kids who look up to you? Do you have a message for them?
Portman:
All the kids lookin up to me can suck my dick
It’s portman motherfucker
drink till i’m sick
slit your throat
and pump nitrous down the hole
watch you laugh and cry
while I laugh you die
and all the Jews Dudes
you know I’m talkin to you
Jews Dudes:
We love you Natalie!
Portman:
I wanna fuck you too!
P is for Portman
P is for pussy
i’ll kill your fuckin’ dog for fun so don’t push me
Parnell: Well, Natalie I’m surprised! All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell: Really? Such as?
Portman:
When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
and snorted all the yay
I gotta def posse
and you gotta buncha dudes
I sit right down on your face and take a shit
Andy Samberg:
Natalie you are a bad ass bitch (hell yeah)
and I always pay for your dry cleanin
when my shit gets in your shoe
as for the drug use
well I can vouch for that
my dick is scared of you…girl!
Parnell: Okie-doke. Natalie, one final question.
If you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it–
(Portman breaks chair over Parnell’s head)
Portman: No more questions
What!

2 thoughts on “How Do I Love Thee Natalie, Let Me Count The Ways!”

  1. Oooops. After listening to the clip for the 1,001th time, I am chagrined and embarrassed, and stand corrected. It’s amazing how obvious it is that she does indeed say “dudes” in the line in question. For some reason I was convinced she was giving the Landsmen a shout out! D’oh!

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