Star Wars Episode III: Lucas Don't Know Sith

I quickly got into the swing of the thing and likely saw the film 10-15 times in the theater that summer. Despite all recent attempts by the Sith lord known as George Lucas to ruin my childhood with Episodes 1 & 2, I still have special memories of much of the original trilogy, contrary to what my good friend Tom says about himself in his most excellent blog.

Still, even though I went to the screening assuming Sith would suck, I was secretly buoyed by a few reviews from people I usually respect as thoughtful critics or discerning film goers. The word out there was that it was "better than Episodes I & II."

Thusly armed with those thoughts, I had an idea that maybe, just maybe, Lucas had pulled one out.

I was wrong.

"Better than Episodes I & II."
Wow.
That's like saying getting punched in the mouth by your girlfriend is better than being kicked in the balls by your wife.

Don't misunderstand. Like many of you, I am ALL for Saturday afternoon popcorn munching entertainment. I liked the Spider-Man films well enough and the Bourne flicks were a lot of fun and as well constructed as many of the best action-adventure films out there. I've even had several versions of the script for Mr. and Mrs. Smith on my computer for 2+ years now and haven't read a word. Why? Because I can't wait to see it and don't want to miss it. Raiders of the Lost Ark is a flawless film, for what it is and I don't mean that as a qualifying clause. As an example of a well written, acted and directed action-adventure film in the mold of the Saturday afternoon cliffhangers, Raiders is without peer.

So....you wanna know the difference between those films and Sith? Well, at least one of the differences (there are so many, I'd blow my bandwidth just listing them). The films I mentioned are films that take themselves exactly as seriously as they should.

The thing is, this film (and the two that precede it) should be FAR better than they are. Wither the man who made Star Wars, American Graffiti and...um...errr....? Well, guess what, party fans! Those two, along with THX-1138 were the only films he directed prior to the execrable Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace and Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. As a writer, the ONLY films that carry his name as the sole writing credit are Star Wars, Menace and Sith.

With Episode IV and V, Lucas (as well as Lawrence Kasdan and Leigh Brackett) envisaged a wide and sprawling universe. Wookies, droids, humans, Hutts, and Rodians(Greedo). Many of the most endearing and magical aspects of the first two films were the myriad non-human species that interacted with our human heros. Starting with the droids and continuing on with the Jawas, Tusken Raiders, Banthas and Aqualish (aka "buttface" from the Mos Eisley cantina). Jabba's irritating menagerie from Jedi get failing marks from me. By the third film, Lucas had gotten Muppet fever.

In the fourth film, Lucas added, god help us, Gungans and Toydarians (Watto). Was there no one at Skywalker Ranch who could pull Lord Lucas aside and clue him in to the folly of his ways? Was no one fearless enough to pull Lucas aside and point out that Jar-Jar, with his thinly-veiled Caribbean patois was a Stepin Fetchit for the outer rim of the galaxy and that hook-nosed Watto, was, minus the wings, a blatant caricature of a Middle-Eastern shop keep? Not sure if the fact that Watto invokes both Jews and Arabs doesn't make it any better.

Lucas may have some good ideas, but he can't direct his way out of a wet paper bag and his idea of what passes for emotionally resonant dialog is laughable. And casting? I haven't seen romantic chemistry this bad since Bill Murray and Sigourney Weaver</a> in Ghostbusters.

Padmé and Annakin, in what passes for Lucas' romantic dialog:

“You’re so beautiful.”

“That’s only because I’m so in love.”

“No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.”

No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

Shut the FUCK UP! It plays like it was written by a 13 year-old girl!

While it is true that Lucas was a pioneer in the field of editing, the craft is multi-faceted and one of those facets is to help tell the story.
I almost jumped up and screamed "Learn how to fucking edit, you over-priced HACK!" at least three times. Star Wars was revolutionary in editing circles. Lucas hasn't come very far in 28 years.

Thank all that is holy that he has promised (at least for now) that he won't be very creatively involved in any SW TV project. Give it to Ronald D. Moore, Joss Wedeon, Bryan Singer or Rockne S. O'Bannon.

Please.